Ryan S

So You Want To Be Famous, Huh?

In all my myriad muses, it was only when I let go of the complicated intellectual ponderings and reverted to the simple thought of an underappreciated American icon, that I found an outlet to become somebody more than who I am. Now, that first sentence may appear quite verbose, however, the power of the thought behind it holds the key to both fame and fortune. I'm suggesting that I know a way to get famous that will take some work, but is assured to give not only fame but also fortune if it can come together.

In 1993, the greatest TV show of all time hit the small screen. Starring a hero with a take-no-bullshit attitude, a background in martial arts, and (coincidentally also) the greatest facial hair of all time, this show will undoubtedly go down in history as the most mocked albeit fervently loved television program ever.

Walker, Texas Ranger stars the greatest actor/martial artist/fitness equipment salesman to ever have graced the earth, Chuck Norris. His DNA is so pure that Hitler would have killed himself and every German due to the futility of creating a "perfect race", his attitude is so cool that even L.L. Cool J. would look like a buffoon in comparison, his martial arts skills are so adept that Steven Segal couldn't get a hit off, his gun slinging skills put cap guns in the hands of Annie Oakley, and his style can only be rivalled within any arena by Kanye West. I can definitely say God exists, and Chuck Norris is divine proof.

Now what does Chuck Norris have to do with you being famous, might you ask? Let's face it, you can never be as awesome as Chuck no matter how hard you try. So what do you do? Leech off of His Awesomeness (that's what he'll be referred to from here on out). Like the Mayflower, Chuck Norris is a vessel who will take you to new and great lands.

The Plan:
What doesn't His Awesomeness have? A line of products devoted to him, at least one that is advertised on national television. My first Idea is one product that is sure to be a hit with the kids. It's the CN punching bag. "He always gets up from a punch". With sand in the bottom, nobody can keep him knocked over.
Yes, it's going to cost a lot of money to create a production line, but there ways to collect money that we are not unfamiliar to. Ploys such as kissing booths, Collection plates for people who His Awesomeness has destroyed the lives of, and other off the wall ideas will all contribute to the capital investment.
I have not forgotten that this is a project in which we will get famous in the process. This is why in our collection of money, we will acquire enough to advertise for a limited time on high exposure cable television channels.
Using the superior video editing and hip hop skills we have in our circle, we will create the commercial to appeal to all audiences, intellectuals and more "visceral" types (exactly as we did back in the day). Obviously, our commercial will star us and of course, our novel product, which will be the greatest gag gift ever.

It's going to incorporate all the skills we've acquired in all our years of schooling including my engineering skills, the NYU people's film skills, Rob's being a complete lazy pile "skills" (I'm serious, he can relate to people who watch television a lot. I wonder why?), and other professional skills people have gained in the past two years. It is going to be quite a bit of work, but I can assure you that if the work is done in stride, this is something that can pan out in a relatively short amount of time. I leave you now to consider these not-so-idle thoughts.

Posted by ryan at April 6, 2006 05:52 PM