Joel F

Fly Babies in the World of Sports

Get ready for filth. Yeah, this is supposed to be a sports blog, and it is, but you never know when and where Inspirado will hit you like a runaway train. To stay in good practice, I just wanna recap the events of the last twelve hours that led to something really disgusting. Wednesday nights have become the point in the week when I go out and party the hardest. This is due to my Monday-Wednesday-Friday afternoon class schedule and the fact that this cool dance club is free on Wednesdays after midnight. I hardcore busted out the best techo moves I could find on youtube for a few hours, drank tequila, red bull, whatever, left when the place shut down at 3, chilled at my buddy Naoki’s new crib for a while, and finally drove home after a 6 a.m. game of beer pong. I was pretty hungry at this point. After I tore through the last of my bag of Blazin’ Buffalo & Ranch Doritos, I decided to pop my last Totino’s pizza in the oven, which takes ten minutes of preheat time and another 15 to cook. I was able to hold off passing out for the first ten minutes and managed to get the pizza in the oven, but, in a dangerous move, nodded off after that. I was jolted awake by the my shrieking smoke alarm about forty minutes later. The pie was smoking hot, totally burnt to charcoal. I threw open my balcony doors and tossed the entire cookie sheet outside, franticly pushed out the smoke and collapsed back in bed when the piercing siren stopped.

After a good eight hours of sleep, I woke up only to lie in bed and slowly recoup from the night before. I wanted some caffeine so I drove to McDonalds and ordered $10 worth of food, mostly in the pursuit of a large coke and iced coffee. I stuffed my face back in my liar and turned on the 2:20 p.m. Braves game, when I noticed all the flies I had let in. My cat was scurrying around the room and pouncing on three or four fat mother horseflies. More were coming in with the balcony doors still open and the main room still smelling like smoke. Though the Braves game wasn’t bad, these flies became the best entertainment in the room. I decided to team up with my cat as a Flybuster. I tried swatting them with a towel for a bit, but then I found the quality dark green lighter I had just bought the night before. I stalked these extra plump flies and managed to burn off their wings. Two of the fatties remained barely alive so I forked out a tweezer and dropped them into an old glass candle that I had refilled with wax. This served as the perfect fly specimen environment because they could walk around a little but they couldn’t get out.

I turned my attention to the Braves game for a bit because it looked like they were about to win with a 2-1 lead in the ninth. Unfortunately, Bobby Cox decided not to bring in one of the Braves two or three closers and the dude from the inning before gave up a homerun. I obviously didn’t like that so I turned to check in on my fly prisoners. One of them was upside down, looking like he was about to leave us, and the other appeared to be chilling exactly as I left it. Then my eye caught some squiggly movement and I was like "Guhhh?" There were tasty little white fly larva squirming around the wax! The fat one, on its deathbed, decided to give birth in its last moments of life. There were only two or three worm babies when I first caught them, but they continued pouring out of this bug’s ass, sometimes three or four at a time. SICCCKKKK. The mama fly kept on churning them out, and labored babies into the twenties until she finally kicked the bucket. The whole process looked very exhausting and excruciating. The fly looked a lot smaller after the babies were out. I thought this whole thing was kind of fun to watch, though it was very sickening. The larva banded together and moved like a single organism, each worm baby functioning as a piece of a limp. They built up enough momentum to move the mom’s body around, and I’m not totally sure but I think they started eating it. As you can tell, I got very excited and wanted to make sure to capture this in words, so when I set them all on fire in about two minutes the entire happening will be that much more entertaining. You live your life and do what you can. Sometimes you have to make your own fun. A lot of the time I think gross things are fun. Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.