Over the years I've learned I am someone who spends all of their time thinking. Some say I am burdened with an overactive mind, but I try to focus on the positives of heavy reflection because it's my nature - I don't have the choice to tune down the mindspin. But every once in a while my thoughts get blocked by an idea and I feel trapped, powerless to think my way out. In theme with thinking about my future, my fears of personal failure have been cleating my brain, scraping away pink chunks. My academic performance last semester wasn't as dominant as expected. I only took three classes, so naturally there was less than the usual amount of signs that I was working on the right path. The semester break at home always blows my brain-wad after chatting with my parents and spending time with friends. I've returned to school knowing I have the responsibility of asking theses questions:
Am I doing the same thing as every college undergrad, only paying a shit load of more money? Am I burying myself in debt with unrealistic expectations of making my money back? Why didn't I stay in the Midwest?
I am too naive to properly answer any of these but I feel like I cannot live, or return to enjoyable patterns of thought, until I find some helpful clues. There are times when life forces you to search for a lesson. These questions are too serious for me to daydream through. I need to find someone with an answer, post haste!
This weekend, instead of boozing like a boozer, I judged at a high school debate tournament in Alpharetta, GA. I was there to make some bucks, so I lingered through round after round until late Saturday night, when most of the few hundred people attending that weekend had left. I had already read my Rolling Stone and was feeling lonely. With some time to kill before the final round I looked for someone to talk to. I sat down next to a tiny brown girl from India at the tournament information table and asked her if she knew what room my round was in. She didn't, so I started talking to her about other things. Our conversation went something like this:
Joel: "What grade are you in?"
Tiny Brown girl: "Junior."
Joel: "Where are you going to college?"
Tiny Brown girl: "Emory."
J: "Really? I go to Emory."
TBG: "Oh! What were your SATs?"
J: "I didn't take the SATs. But my ACT was bad."
TBG: "And they let you in?"
J: "Yep. But no scholarship or anything."
TBG: "They won't give me a scholarship either because I'm not a citizen. Are you doing medicine, business, or law?"
J: "I'm a creative writing major."
TBG: "Are you going to be a writer?"
J: "I don't know."
This is what a lot of conversations about my school look like, but then she starting giving me advice. She seemed certain about the goals everyone should have. The stern parenting I'm sure she had developed her into a career oriented person. The stuff that came out of her mouth was programmed into her head at an early age.
TBG: "You need to go to grad school. When you are 40 do you think you'll be talking about where you got your undergrad?"
J: "Probably."
TBG: "Undergrad is the same for everyone. You could be studying writing at UGA for free."
J: "You are right. I could have gone to school at home and stayed with my friends."
TBG: "Friends are something that you can make anywhere. You should never let friends get in the way of your career. Your career is everything. I would never let a boy get in the way of my career, medicine."
J: "Really? Never?"
TBG: "No way. How old are you?"
J: "21."
TBG: "You are depressed boy. You are letting a 16 year old tell you what to do with your life."
J: "But I think you know more about this stuff than I do."
TBG: "I have gone through a lot of stuff for my age, like relationships, death in the family. You should make the most of yourself. Success comes when you believe."
J: "I do believe. I am going to be successful. I am just scared of debt. But you are right, I've been slacking. Guys aren't very good at making decisions and sticking with them."
TBG: "That's the thing I hate about Americans. They are so lazy. They think life is easy, but it's not. You have to work hard. My math score wasn't always high but I studied and got a 700 and my parents still hate me. Americans didn't used to be lazy, but now they have everything handed to them and they don't get it. You should get a girlfriend."
J: "Yea, I figured that part out. But I've really been freaking out about everything else."
TBG: "It's okay depressed boy. It's good to talk to people about it because they give you ideas."
J: "Yea. Some of my friends talk to their psychiatrists, but I've never gone and seen one."
TBG: "You should."
I like it when people are straight-up with you. She made it sound like the only thing I can do is keep doing what I'm doing, which I knew all along. I just have to watch myself and make sure I'm not squandering my potential. Hopefully I can do that by talking with ya'll, my WandyTeeth family. I really love what is happening on here with all of the new blogs and fast paced comment action. Omaha seems to always bond together when school is not in session, but now that it is let's all try to keep loving eachother the best we can, push creativity to the max, and spread our words all over this site like a big warm blanket.
often times the most difficult things to figure out, or decided upon, or change, for you, are the easiest to someone else. does that make sense? talk about it, at least that part is kind of easy.
Posted by: bess at January 22, 2007 6:45 PMBrown people are sagacious. That's an SAT word, isn't it lame? I think the TBG was a little career crazy but in some way's she's right. Career could be the rest of your life so you should try really hard to get it. But you don't want all your hair to fall out by the time you get there. Because when you have the money and status, you still need the worldliness, street-smarts, and good looks to bag a babe. And your words, but you got that down. Show me a cube honey.
Posted by: Naimul at January 22, 2007 8:50 PMAll I do is think too man (Clinical Insomia doesn't always mean videogames), but I don't think about the possitive hardly. I'm an optimist because I focus sometimes on what I think is the worst case scenereo and then do what I can to avoid it, thus making life easier.
Life is pretty much whatever you want it to be. It doesn't have to be hard, like a boner. I used to be a few peoples "psychiatrists" when we were in high school, telling someone what you are thinking about when things bother you is good too.
Posted by: Rob at January 22, 2007 9:54 PMI know in my gut when I am doing something that makes me happy (different from amused)
as far as I know, this has nothing to do with speculation about what has worked for others, and everything to do with actually following through on what you feel to be the right thing for yourself
Posted by: Jeff at January 23, 2007 2:05 AMpotential. what a powerful word man.
that word makes me regret the internet, and how much of my life is invested in binary codes.
i have two paintings to be painted, but here i am. feeling shitty with you. :D i think the goal is to rise above routine man, and above daily irrelevant stuff. when you're above that, the view is clear. then you can see where you're going
Posted by: tim m at January 25, 2007 1:06 PMyooo i left you an e-mail comment! here is a little preveiw:
joel, i was going to go to school for creative writing as well, but the more i thought about it, the more i kept coming back to the same question: what do i want my writing to accomplish? and from that answer i figured out what i needed to do, which is major in international development studies.
Posted by: jayme at January 26, 2007 8:39 AMWhatever you decide to do, just remember that your career consumes you for decades. Choose wisely. If you don't know yet, then go out and live. There is no hurry because there is no right path and there is no wrong path. Just go forth.
Posted by: Jsmith#1 at February 10, 2007 9:22 AM