2 things. 1, I am still in school. Shut up. And b, my southern buddy Phillip and I wrote an article for the school's newspaper recently. All was looking well, we were going to open this month's issue and say, "Hey, look at the article we wrote!" but alas, the editors messed up and our article got cut at the last second. Lame is the name. So, instead, I figured Wandyteeth would be a great medium to publish the article instead. Enjoy. Oh, the formatting got messed up, so just pretend it is a new creative format for writing columns.
BALLS DEEP!
Philip and Jeff on... The "Ins and Outs" of Porn
By: Philip Barrett and Jeff McCollister
In celebration of Disclaimer's first issue devoted primarily to sex, Jeff and Philip decided to sit down and assess a misunderstood media institution: pornography. Most would agree that pornography shouldn't be held up to the same cinematic standards as mainstream film, but Philip and Jeff chose to give one particular porn movie its day in court and critically analyze what makes it appealing. Now they knew that the idea of two men sitting down on a sunny Saturday afternoon to watch porn together might seem a bit... curious... But, they took one for the team with the 2001 DVD entitled "Playboy: Playmates Unwrapped", produced by the industry mogul Hugh M. Hefner.
This particular film is Playboy's take on the Christmas season. It features eight scenes of Ho-Ho-Hoe's and babes who want nothing more than to have their stockings stuffed. Each scene tells its own mini holiday tale, from a sorority tree-trimming party to Scrooge's passionate lovemaking session with his dead wife's ghost. (Creative? They thought so)
Jeff and Philip's opinions, carefully transcribed, reflect great differences in how and why today's gentleman scholar enjoys porn (and no, we aren't talking about variations of the five-finger knuckle-shuffle or the dishonorable discharge, if you will). Their experience also offers contrasting opinions about what is sexy, if anything, in the world of pornography.
We find our heroes at the discussion table immediately after their session with "Playmates Unwrapped"...
Philip: Well that was one of the most unsatisfying porn-watching experiences of my life, and strangely, it had nothing to do with the fact that you were sitting two feet away from me the whole time.
Jeff: Blasphemy! How could any porn, not to mention one sponsored by the illustrious Playboy Empire, dissatisfy you? If anybody knows what's sexy, it's Playboy. Not you.
Philip: You'd think that they would know what really fires up today's gentleman scholar, but I feel frustrated. Fifty-five minutes of slow-motion stripping to Christmas carols just doesn't do it for me. Call me old-fashioned, but I like my stripteases fast and actually in-sync with the chosen music. Oh yeah, and not religious in nature.
Jeff: I fail to see the correlation between Christmas and religion. And I don't know how you spend your Christmas, but this DVD is an excellent portrayal of the sexy holiday fun at the McCollister household. And what's the matter with slow motion? Remember, slow and sensual always wins the race.
Philip: But for me, sexiness has a quick tempo. I associate sex with a rapid heart rate, where you get lost in the moment. I don't think that women stroking their stomachs and breasts in slow-motion for an excruciatingly long period of time is sexy.
Jeff: See with me, a "slow groove" tempo is sexy. Think Bill Withers or Earth Wind and Fire. Plus, it's hot naked women stroking their stomachs and breasts. I emphasize the hot and naked. Also, I would like to point out that the women in this holiday adventure begin each chapter fully clothed, and slowly tease the watcher as they advance towards nudity. In today's age of instant internet gratification, you just point and click only to find a female already naked. You've missed the magical journey that is the removal of clothing. Although you know that the model will eventually be naked, you don't know when, how, or why. The anticipation is why I enjoy porn.
Philip: Real anticipation for me is when you don't even know whether the clothes will come off at all. Scene after scene of models slowly stripping to "Deck the Halls" and "Jingle Bells" is just lame. You know what will happen. When I watch porn, I watch it for the quick action scenes, the sex scenes. When I want to watch something that is genuinely sexy, I watch a more legitimate movie, with clever dialogue and emotion. But anyway, let's play a game of trivia. Sexy or not: the fact that you can actually see the ripples of the silicone bags that have been crammed into one of the chests of the models in this film?
Jeff: OK, so they are fake. So is Santa, and everybody still loves him. I think you didn't enjoy this film because you pointed out flaws in every female. When I watch porn I discover the beauty of the female form. I don't watch to criticize.
Philip: Well, I think we've gotten balls deep in the mysterious world of porn. I'd like to say that porn is an American institution, but from what I understand, other countries have porn that's even crazier than ours is.
Jeff: Yeah, like Europe.
Time for a nap.
This was originallyl an email to bess warming, but i decided it would work well for an email. to bess out there, sorry if you dont enjoy making this email a public affair, but dont worry, i dont talk about barbeque or deodorant. to give some context, we were discussing the phonomenon of a twinkle appearing in ones mouth.
they twinkle?!! like you smile and it goes *ting* and a little star rotates on one of your teeth!? i love that shit. talk to me in person and show me. im rather excited about this weekend. i think it will turn out to be the most fun ive had since ive been here. ill recap this weekend past presant and future.
thursday night was see-saw-athon. awesome, live band kinetix fuckin wrocked it out.
yestarday was cool. i partied a lot thursday but still sang decently on friday weehoo. that is always fun. then as you know i went downtown and got yelled at on the way because i didnt quite know the procedure of riding the bus and light rail, but not to worry, i made a friend who helped me. whilst i was downtown, i enjoyed some gellato. next, my friend pj was sitting in on a couple of bands at this house party, so i rounded up all of my gettalongs and we attended this event. reaaaally fun. one of the best house parties ever. the band, comprised of accomplished musicians who are music students with me, ended their last set with "no diggity". fucking awesome. right now im going up to a-basin to go skiing, and then im going to a hotel where steph and some of her friends from ND (north dakota, not nancy drew) are going swimming. theeeen, im probably going to take it easy and watch a waking life or something cause my body will be tired. and i think im turning this email into a blog. sorry if you dont like me making an email a public affair.
i have to go and i hope you enjoy all the errors in this entry. so shut up.