I guess it is necessary to preface this entry with the fact that I am currently in China. To get it out of the way, I am visiting my sister, who currently resides in this country of cool. It is also necessary to say that I wrote this blog 3 days ago, however the internet in Shanghai is a funny thing, and it didn’t get posted until today.
The three words that title this entry refer the most widely sold commodities in Shanghai, China. It is very normal for a man or woman on the street to aggressively approach you and simply ask, “Watch, bag, dvd?” Sometimes they will even put an arm around you and give you compliments in order to entice you into purchasing their products. In the last two days I have been called both beautiful and handsome, sadly, only by street vendors. I haven’t yet figured out what these three items have in common that they are always offered together, but all the same, it’s always, “watch, bag dvd?” In the first three days that I have spent in china, I have been offered these items at least 40 different times. One of the first mandarin phrases I learned was “I don’t want”, which sounds like, “boo yao”. When a dvd is desired, however, they are very cheap. Less than a dollar actually. Also, the descriptions (sometimes the titles, if you are lucky) of the movies are generally confusing and awesome.
Another awesome attribute that Shanghai has is the art of massage. Happy endings optional. I have had two (massages, not happy endings) since I’ve been here and they both have been schwayfest 99. The first, a foot massage. The second, a whole body massage. We’ll start with the foot massage. First they bring out delicious tea and a big tub filled with lavender oil and other awesomely girly things for you to soak your feet in. Then they start in on a short back massage while your feet are soaking. They then remove your feet, prop them up on a stool of sorts, and then go to town on your dogs. They bark, but in the tongue of schway city.
The back massage portion of this tale I received less than an hour ago. First, you get almost naked, put some sweet Asian looking robey clothes on, and then lay face down on a bed equipped with a face-hole. I will now switch from second to first person to explain a funny occurrence that I went through. I wasn’t quite sure where to put my arms when I was laying on my front. At first I tried putting them above my head, but the massage d00d nudged me to move them out of the way. I then tried dangling them from the bed, however my circulation was cut off and my hands were numb before long. The final resting place of my arms was then by my side, palm-up. The only problem with this was that when the massage man was massaging from the side, my hand was millimeters from his massage-manhood. Awkward city. I didn’t want to move my hand and make matters worse, so I just squeezed my arms in as close to my side as I could. At least I didn’t fart when he was massaging me.
I must pace myself. There will be more Shanghai schwayness to come.