Bess W

joels blogs always make me think, and this time it just made me think differently about something that has been spinning around my head for a while now. have you ever wanted something so badly you could feel it crawling around under your skin trying to break through to make something real?  there are so many things i want from my life, world records i want to break, things i want to be, trips i want to take, things i want to see, and ultimately, cakes i want to bake (you know, like the ones on the food channels cake building competitions).  there just isn't enough time.  i always say i'm going to do me, and the better you know me, the more you realize i do this.  and of course I believe in having dreams and goals galore, but at some point I know I have to choose.  at this point, i'm banking on the fact that we live multiple lives.  speaking of which, if you haven't read, many lives, many masters, and you are interested in that sort of thing, let me know.  i'll let you borrow it. 

 but say we only get this one life.  no second chances, no opportunities to live life as a nightingale (not florence).  how do i chose just one life, or lifestyle.  i really dont think i can.  i think i need at least five lives in order to do everything i want to do.

1.  I'm studying to be a teacher right now, probably third grade.   i love kids, and i love third grade.  i love that at this age, they still think you are the most amazing person on the face of the earth, because they don't know better yet, and even still, they can carry on the most beautiful conversations about dreams and people dying.  I know i want to be a teacher, I just dont know if i'm cut out for it, or if I really want it all that badly. 

2.  I would really give anything in the world to just sing for the rest of my life.  In a jazz club, at open mic nights, in front of thousands of people, with my mom, standing beside her grand piano.  I'm not picky.  But this is what i want, badly.  I could be going to school, studying music right now.  But at this point, I feel as though it is simply too late.  Perhaps I'll do it later.  Maybe I'll just skip that step and just sing on the side.  Maybe i'll get into it when i'm 40 because i'm still single and sick of spending my nights with my dog and a cup of coffee.  really, who knows? 

I feel as though if I tell you any more about my life aspirations, you will know too much and it will be held against me at some point in time.  So goodnight.  Don't let the bed bugs bite.  And lets talk sometime, swap stories, and i'll tell you where the other pieces of my heart lie.

It hit me today.  I had my first real break down, and felt like a fool.  I've been handed an amazing oportunity, no questions asked.  A gift of experience and new knowledge, beautiful things and miles of separation from comfort.  At this point in my life I couldn't ask for a more amazing gift.  And yet, I'm scared out of my little mind.  Ms. Spektor has been running to my rescue almost every night lately.  But even she can't comfort me when I start imagining never even getting out of the airport in sydney.  How silly am I?  Very.  I'm sorry, international airports turn me on and terrify me all at the same time.  It will be my porthole to another world.  You can go any where in the world by simply walking through a strangely shaped door and taking a seat.  But who's to say I will return?  I'm reading this book right now, holding on to the last few chapters because I wish it were a never ending story that somehow sucked me in so that I too could experience the mind expanding wonder that is the lifestyle of the real people.  if you get a chance, please pick up mutant message down under by marlo morgan.  you can read it in a day if you've got the time.  The author is summoned by a tribe of Aboriginals and ends up walking across the continent of australia with them for four months, learning their way of life.  healing methods (crazy traditional medicine: cancer cures,  anti timor remedies, etc.) wisdom, relation to the earth, and the universal oneness we are all part of.  All I'm saying is don't be suprised if I don't return from Australia.  These people are the strongest force pulling me towards Australia right now.  And I'm just beginning to learn about them.  But I'm hoping they hold me there if they want to. 

Well I love you all, and i hope life is going well for each and every one of you.  I'm bored out of my mind here in the lovely Omaha.  The two week countdown starts tomorrow, and then I'm going all aussie on your asses.